yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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