if only i could text you this smell
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
