so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
