Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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