There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Drunk is a universal language darling
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
