So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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