i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
