you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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