After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
