It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
pray to the hookup gods
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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