Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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