chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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