Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize