a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
FUCK WHALES
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
