i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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