i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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