I just made out with a guy for $7.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
