He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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