if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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