guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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