I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
