I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
