Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
