I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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