You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize
