fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
