The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
