I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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