Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
