even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
