I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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