I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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