can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
