Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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