I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
