I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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