I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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