i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
