Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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