when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
my shit smells like andre
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
