I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
