So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
