once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
