i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I need a beard to bite.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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