Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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