She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
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