The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
