she woke up with a sticky ear
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
