Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
