Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
