i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
